Today was my first day back at work. It feels like I have been gone for over a month and it was less than two weeks. I feel like a different person. Before I got there I was shaking and so emotionally on edge that I was terrified about how the day would go. I couldn't help, but think about how I should be home with a baby, about how purposeless I feel right now. I wasn't worried about how others would react, but how I would keep it together. Of course the first person I see doesn't know. I feel bad because it is awkward for people to find out like that. I feel really lucky that my good friends at work acted normal. They knew that is what I needed.
Luckily right now is really busy in the training department so I was loaded with awesome work when I got there that will keep me busy for the rest of the month! Seriously another gift. Not joking. I would so much rather bury myself in work then twiddle my thumbs all day with too much time to think. By the end of the day I was proud of myself for not breaking down once.
I made some personal goals today for myself now that I am back at work.
1-Make sure that I make Kyle my #1 top priority. He of course is, but sometimes I get wrapped up in tasks and being busy that I'm not present when I get home with Kyle. I am so in love with him and will never be able to express how grateful I am for who he is. He deserves the best version of me.
2-Be more productive at work. So for over five months I have had a crazy distraction. This adoption consumed my mind at all times (which it should have). Due to this consumption I was really half as awesome as I can be at work.
3-Be a better person. I can get wrapped up in drama and petty things so easily and I hate it. Deep down I actually love everyone and I try to understand what makes people the way they are. I am going to make a solid effort to be a kinder person, especially at work.
4-Learn new things. I don't know if that means me going back to school or learning a new instrument. I feel like I'm not progressing and it needs to change.
If you know me well you know that I am a goal oriented person and it keeps me moving forward. So hopefully I can focus on the things that I do have control over rather than trying so hard to change the things that I don't have control over.
I really did enjoy being back at work. It makes life seem normal-ish.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
First night alone.
Kyle had to go work at the zoo today. He didn't want to, but we can't avoid real life for too long. This left me alone on a Saturday evening with nothing to do in our quiet apartment. I watched two movies (yes two) One- Warm bodies. I enjoyed it for the cheesy that it is. It was kinda funny.
Two- The life of Pi. I was worried that I wouldn't like this one, but I really enjoyed it. I liked the deeper meaning of it. And it was beautifully filmed.
After watching the movies I was left with nothing to do. I decided that I needed some thinking time so I ran to the temple where there are some benches that over look the valley. It is one of my favorite places in Logan, it is so peaceful. I didn't realize how much I just needed to be alone. Kyle has been so wonderful through all of this, he understands me. But being alone to think and pray is what I needed tonight. As I prayed I found myself mostly praying for J and her family. I truly hope the best for them. I hope that she is happy and that the baby is healthy. When I was done I sent her a goodbye text. I haven't texted her since I found out that she had decided to parent. It was simple and short. But I need her to know that we are ok. I just said that I hope the best for her and her family and that I will miss her. She probably blocked my number, but I hope that she got it. I didn't send it to get a reply. In fact I'm sure she wouldn't. I just need her to know.
When I got home my adoption friend Nicole called me. I asked her how she healed from her failed placement that was a lot like ours. She gave me a lot of great advice and ideas that I think will help. She is so positive and I'm grateful that she was willing to talk and share what helped her and her husband through two failed IVF, years of waiting and a failed placement. They are amazing and I'm so glad that they finally adopted their little one. She mentioned that the loss is a lot like a death. I agree. I am mourning what could have been. I changed and made a place in my life for a son. For five months I anticipated and grew attached to this little person.
I know that I share a lot on this blog, but I want it to be real. I want people to know the truth about our journey. So you will be hearing a lot from me during this healing process. Writing is one of my ways of dealing with things.
Two- The life of Pi. I was worried that I wouldn't like this one, but I really enjoyed it. I liked the deeper meaning of it. And it was beautifully filmed.
After watching the movies I was left with nothing to do. I decided that I needed some thinking time so I ran to the temple where there are some benches that over look the valley. It is one of my favorite places in Logan, it is so peaceful. I didn't realize how much I just needed to be alone. Kyle has been so wonderful through all of this, he understands me. But being alone to think and pray is what I needed tonight. As I prayed I found myself mostly praying for J and her family. I truly hope the best for them. I hope that she is happy and that the baby is healthy. When I was done I sent her a goodbye text. I haven't texted her since I found out that she had decided to parent. It was simple and short. But I need her to know that we are ok. I just said that I hope the best for her and her family and that I will miss her. She probably blocked my number, but I hope that she got it. I didn't send it to get a reply. In fact I'm sure she wouldn't. I just need her to know.
When I got home my adoption friend Nicole called me. I asked her how she healed from her failed placement that was a lot like ours. She gave me a lot of great advice and ideas that I think will help. She is so positive and I'm grateful that she was willing to talk and share what helped her and her husband through two failed IVF, years of waiting and a failed placement. They are amazing and I'm so glad that they finally adopted their little one. She mentioned that the loss is a lot like a death. I agree. I am mourning what could have been. I changed and made a place in my life for a son. For five months I anticipated and grew attached to this little person.
I know that I share a lot on this blog, but I want it to be real. I want people to know the truth about our journey. So you will be hearing a lot from me during this healing process. Writing is one of my ways of dealing with things.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Failed placement
We always knew that this could happen but we decided to let go and let ourselves love J and that little man freely without protecting ourselves. It was our decision and we don't take it back. Today J was scheduled to be induced at 7:15 am. We loaded up the car with our adorable car seat and diaper bag with the cutest little outfit ready to meet and take a baby boy home. We arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am and waited for J to arrive. Time pasted and she still hadn't arrived. We called and texted her asking if she was ok with no answer or response. We waited for an hour and a half in that waiting room hoping that she had just over slept, but knowing what was really happening. I called our caseworker who told us that this probably meant that J had changed her mind. We already knew that, but we didn't want to admit it. That is when we left the hospital. On the way out I lost it. So many thoughts were going through my mind, but the biggest one was just sadness. I was supposed to be leaving with a son that I have loved for 5 months. We were heart broken. Later our caseworker called saying that J's caseworker had finally found out that J went to the hospital and told the hospital social worker that she couldn't go through with the adoption and to not let us know that she was there. It is over.
We have loved this girl with open hearts and I wish that I could hate her right now, but I don't. I'm just heart broken. I can't help but hope the best for J and her little family. I hope that everything works out for her and that she is at peace with the choice she has made. Now we just have to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. We are starting by going on vacation, we don't know where yet, but we need to have some alone time before returning to work.
We want to thank everyone for your support during our journey. Our journey isn't over yet, we still need to find our family. Please keep posting our information and passing out our pass along cards to help us get our info out there.
Thank you,
Andrea and Kyle
We have loved this girl with open hearts and I wish that I could hate her right now, but I don't. I'm just heart broken. I can't help but hope the best for J and her little family. I hope that everything works out for her and that she is at peace with the choice she has made. Now we just have to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. We are starting by going on vacation, we don't know where yet, but we need to have some alone time before returning to work.
We want to thank everyone for your support during our journey. Our journey isn't over yet, we still need to find our family. Please keep posting our information and passing out our pass along cards to help us get our info out there.
Thank you,
Andrea and Kyle
Friday, May 17, 2013
scheduled to be induced!
J just told me that she is scheduled for the 30th to be induced!!!
We are so excited!
Happy Friday everyone!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Feeling so grateful
I remember the night we went to a little meeting at our agency to inform us about adoption (the process, the cost, etc.). We were filled with nervous excitement before the meeting. During the meeting I felt this shaky calm feeling (this is my "confirmation feeling" I get from the spirit). We knew it was right. Just like that. On the way home we cried because we knew it was right and we were so desperate to do something proactive to start our family, but we were worried about how we would work things out financially. We went home and prayed for confirmation that we should start the process. We already knew that the answer was yes, but we needed to hear it one last time.
Kyle was so sure, as he always is when he receives an answer. He goes and does without question.
We started by calling our families to give them the news and get advice on what we could do. My mom then said we should have a yard sale to raise money for the down payment to get the process going. We started our blog that weekend and started doing research on how we could fundraise. As soon as we announced our decision we were flooded with amazing support from our family and friends. It makes me cry every time I think about how generous so many people were. We received donations to our yard sale(baked goods, things to sell, time spent setting up and taking down), people shared our story on their blogs/FB/to their coworkers and families, people left supportive comments on our blog and on FB, people passed our pass along cards out.
Our ward has been beyond supportive to our cause and made us their big service project for the year. We didn't even mention anything financial to our bishop we didn't even think about it as an option to ask for help from the ward, but he approached us with the idea. He said that the ward needed us, they needed a cause to support. I knew at that point that Heavenly Father was guiding us every step of the way and blessing us for listening to his promptings and trusting Him. Beyond the amazing amount of donations the couples in our ward made they have also been so supportive emotionally. They all took our pass along cards and gave them to so many people. In fact it was a friend in the ward who passed her card to her mom who then passed the card to our birthmother. They are all so excited for us and ask about how everything is going all the time. We know we were supposed to be in this ward.
I guess the whole point of this post is to publically thank Heavenly Father for the guidance and complete direction he has given us during this process. We knew it would all work out, but we knew we couldn't do it alone. Adoption is a miracle, it is a true testimony builder and we cannot be grateful enough. It is also to thank everyone who has helped us out, even if it was just standing by our side and being excited for us. We have felt your support through this journey so far. We are so grateful for all of you.
Kyle was so sure, as he always is when he receives an answer. He goes and does without question.
We started by calling our families to give them the news and get advice on what we could do. My mom then said we should have a yard sale to raise money for the down payment to get the process going. We started our blog that weekend and started doing research on how we could fundraise. As soon as we announced our decision we were flooded with amazing support from our family and friends. It makes me cry every time I think about how generous so many people were. We received donations to our yard sale(baked goods, things to sell, time spent setting up and taking down), people shared our story on their blogs/FB/to their coworkers and families, people left supportive comments on our blog and on FB, people passed our pass along cards out.
Our ward has been beyond supportive to our cause and made us their big service project for the year. We didn't even mention anything financial to our bishop we didn't even think about it as an option to ask for help from the ward, but he approached us with the idea. He said that the ward needed us, they needed a cause to support. I knew at that point that Heavenly Father was guiding us every step of the way and blessing us for listening to his promptings and trusting Him. Beyond the amazing amount of donations the couples in our ward made they have also been so supportive emotionally. They all took our pass along cards and gave them to so many people. In fact it was a friend in the ward who passed her card to her mom who then passed the card to our birthmother. They are all so excited for us and ask about how everything is going all the time. We know we were supposed to be in this ward.
I guess the whole point of this post is to publically thank Heavenly Father for the guidance and complete direction he has given us during this process. We knew it would all work out, but we knew we couldn't do it alone. Adoption is a miracle, it is a true testimony builder and we cannot be grateful enough. It is also to thank everyone who has helped us out, even if it was just standing by our side and being excited for us. We have felt your support through this journey so far. We are so grateful for all of you.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
3 weeks!
I went to an ultrasound yesterday with J. I love getting to see those big lips! Seriously though this kid has got LIPS! I love it! I can't wait to squish his face and give him kisses. I really felt attached and like everything was real. I realized that I had detached myself from this baby without even knowing I was doing it. I had a solid month or two that I didn't even think about it much. I know it sounds horrible, but it is a defense mechanism of mine that I hate. When I am worried or have anxiety I ignore things. Let's face it people adoption is not the road for someone who wants it easy. For months I have had to face the reality that this little guy is either going to become my son that I will love more than anything or I could end up heartbroken without him. There hasn't really been much doubt for us ever since J chose us. She is straight forward, honest and open about how she feels and she includes us in on everything. But reality is that he is not "ours" until that paper is signed and anything could happen from now until then. I will have you know that we truly believe that this little man will become ours. It feels so right. Especially as it gets closer.
J, M (J's daughter) and I had a fun girls day since I was down for the ultrasound. We got some lunch and had a picnic at the park. We fed the ducks and let M play at the playground. After the ultrasound we went to the craft store and had so much fun picking out scrapbooking supplies and then went to target to pick out the outfit Liam will leave the hospital in. J and I get along so well and every time I think about her I cannot believe how well we fit together. We are so different, but it fits. I am so happy that we can call her family. We love her. We are so lucky that she lets us be so involved and we are so excited for the hospital. She wants us to be the first people to hold him. I can't wait! She is getting induced no later than the 31st so only three weeks to go!!!
J, M (J's daughter) and I had a fun girls day since I was down for the ultrasound. We got some lunch and had a picnic at the park. We fed the ducks and let M play at the playground. After the ultrasound we went to the craft store and had so much fun picking out scrapbooking supplies and then went to target to pick out the outfit Liam will leave the hospital in. J and I get along so well and every time I think about her I cannot believe how well we fit together. We are so different, but it fits. I am so happy that we can call her family. We love her. We are so lucky that she lets us be so involved and we are so excited for the hospital. She wants us to be the first people to hold him. I can't wait! She is getting induced no later than the 31st so only three weeks to go!!!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
5 things learned over 5 Years
Kyle and I just celebrated our 5th year anniversary. I feel like 5 is a big year! It sounds like a lot! Looking at it.... it is a lot. We are almost completely different people than who we were then. Not in a bad way, but we have just grown up so much. I mean look at these pictures!
Marriage to me is having one person that you can always count on, a person that cheers for you when you don't believe in yourself. Kyle is the most amazing man I have ever known. I'm not just saying that because it's what people say. These past few years have been the best of my life. He is always by my side serving me and making me believe that I am beautiful and smart. I only hope that I can learn to be as supportive of a spouse as he is. I hope my children become just like him. I love you Kyle!
It seems like such a long time ago! I thought I was in love then.... it is crazy how much more I love him now.
5 things I have learned about marriage from my marriage.
1. Marriage is about respect. Kyle has taught me so much about respect. He completely respects who I am. He never asks me to change myself and appreciates me for me. I have learned over time to truly respect him as well. With this respect we have such a chill marriage. We hardly argue and we trust each other completely.
2. Never talk negatively about your spouse to anyone. When I was first married I had a friend that always talked negatively about her spouse. I noticed that I started finding things to complain about too. Soon enough I had a lot of negative feelings toward Kyle that were so silly. When I noticed it I vowed that I would never do it again. I actually brag about Kyle most of the time now and I feel so proud that he is my hubby no matter who I am talking too. In fact at work he is known as my hot husband.
3. Recognize that marriage has ups and downs. We took a marriage and family relationships class together when we were first married and the teacher said that there a big ups and downs in marriage. At the time I couldn't see it, but I totally do now. There are times when we are totally crazy in love and so positive about life and marriage and other times when we don't connect as well. This is normal. If you recognize that this happens it makes it a lot easier to get through the down times.
4. Spend quality time together often. We are both pretty busy people and there are times when we are awesome at this and times when we aren't. When we make it a priority to spend quality time together we connect so much and feel better about our marriage. Quality time doesn't mean an expensive date. Usually our favorite time spent together is doing something active like jogging or going for a walk.
5.Throw out your ideas of what would make life perfect and love the life you have. This is not supposed to sound depressing because it isn't. Everyone has their own expectations of what your family and life will be like. We all should have goals and expectations, but we also need to be able to be happy if things turn out different. For a while I was so consumed with getting pregnant that I couldn't enjoy the amazing life I already had. This last year has been the best because we have let go of waiting until a baby comes and just lived the life we already have. I now look back and I wouldn't change a thing because I love the time we have had together before starting our family.
5. Recognize that marriage has ups and downs. We took a marriage and family relationships class together when we were first married and when talking about marriage the teacher said that there a big ups and downs in marriage. At the time I couldn't see it, but I totally do now. There are times when we are totally crazy in love and so positive about life and marriage and other times when we don't connect as well. This is normal. If you recognize that this happens it makes it a lot easier to get through the down times.
Marriage to me is having one person that you can always count on, a person that cheers for you when you don't believe in yourself. Kyle is the most amazing man I have ever known. I'm not just saying that because it's what people say. These past few years have been the best of my life. He is always by my side serving me and making me believe that I am beautiful and smart. I only hope that I can learn to be as supportive of a spouse as he is. I hope my children become just like him. I love you Kyle!
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