In the adoption process I have made it a goal to not focus on infertility being the reason for us adopting. Although I know that it is the road that lead us to adoption I feel like adoption is not our second choice it is just another step towards starting out family. With this mind set infertility does not just disappear. I am sometimes reminded that I can't make a baby come (biological or through adoption) when I want it to come. I have no say in the situation. All I know is that we have faith that if we are proactive about it our family will grow soon!
This weekend I had a moment that I was not proud of. Another goal of mine is to stay positive and not get jealous of others when I hear their good news of pregnancy and adoption. I feel like everything happens for a reason and I should not make a special moment for them about me and my trials. I should not need special treatment. This weekend someone that I love announced their pregnancy in front of a large group in a really fun way. I was shocked and instantly started crying. I grabbed my husband and hurried away so that I could pull myself together before anyone noticed. In that moment I had thoughts like.... Why does it happen so fast for some people, this isn't fair, we have to try so hard and have gone through so much, why me. Kyle was great at letting me get those feelings out and being on my side while I had my pity party. As soon as I stopped crying I was totally embarrassed that I had done that. I just did what I promised myself I wouldn't. I made an awesome moment for someone else completely about me. As we went back to the party it was obvious that a few people knew I had been upset and I know they were trying to make me feel better. I appreciate their love and understanding. As we were leaving I talked to the momma to be and told her that I was sorry and that I am so excited for her family and her little one. She is so great so of course she was very nice to me about it and I hope she knows that I really am happy for her.
I guess this moment proved to me that I am not immune to feelings of infertility and longing for a baby. I have been saying (and it is true) that adoption has given me so much hope for our future and I have such a good feeling about it. I love that we can be proactive in finding a child. I just need to focus on what we CAN do instead of what is happening for other people.