Thursday, May 30, 2013

Failed placement

We always knew that this could happen  but we decided to let go and let ourselves love J and that little man freely without protecting ourselves. It was our decision and we don't take it back. Today J was scheduled to be induced at 7:15 am. We loaded up the car with our adorable car seat and diaper bag with the cutest little outfit ready to meet and take a baby boy home. We arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am and waited for J to arrive. Time pasted and she still hadn't arrived. We called and texted her asking if she was ok with no answer or response. We waited for an hour and a half in that waiting room hoping that she had just over slept, but knowing what was really happening. I called our caseworker who told us that this probably meant that J had changed her mind. We already knew that, but we didn't want to admit it. That is when we left the hospital. On the way out I lost it. So many thoughts were going through my mind, but the biggest one was just sadness. I was supposed to be leaving with a son that I have loved for 5 months. We were heart broken. Later our caseworker called saying that J's caseworker had finally found out that J went to the hospital and told the hospital social worker that she couldn't go through with the adoption and to not let us know that she was there. It is over.
We have loved this girl with open hearts and I wish that I could hate her right now, but I don't. I'm just heart broken. I can't help but hope the best for J and her little family. I hope that everything works out for her and that she is at peace with the choice she has made. Now we just have to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. We are starting by going on vacation, we don't know where yet, but we need to have some alone time before returning to work.
We want to thank everyone for your support during our journey. Our journey isn't over yet, we still need to find our family. Please keep posting our information and passing out our pass along cards to help us get our info out there.
Thank you,
Andrea and Kyle

Friday, May 17, 2013

scheduled to be induced!

J just told me that she is scheduled for the 30th to be induced!!!
We are so excited!
Happy Friday everyone!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Feeling so grateful

I remember the night we went to a little meeting at our agency to inform us about adoption (the process, the cost, etc.). We were filled with nervous excitement before the meeting. During the meeting I felt this shaky calm feeling (this is my "confirmation feeling" I get from the spirit). We knew it was right. Just like that. On the way home we cried because we knew it was right and we were so desperate to do something proactive to start our family, but we were worried about how we would work things out financially. We went home and prayed for confirmation that we should start the process. We already knew that the answer was yes, but we needed to hear it one last time.
Kyle was so sure, as he always is when he receives an answer. He goes and does without question.

We started by calling our families to give them the news and get advice on what we could do. My mom then said we should have a yard sale to raise money for the down payment to get the process going. We started our blog that weekend and started doing research on how we could fundraise. As soon as we announced our decision we were flooded with amazing support from our family and friends. It makes me cry every time I think about how generous so many people were. We received donations to our yard sale(baked goods, things to sell, time spent setting up and taking down), people shared our story on their blogs/FB/to their coworkers and families, people left supportive comments on our blog and on FB, people passed our pass along cards out.

Our ward has been beyond supportive to our cause and made us their big service project for the year. We didn't even mention anything financial to our bishop we didn't even think about it as an option to ask for help from the ward, but he approached us with the idea. He said that the ward needed us, they needed a cause to support. I knew at that point that Heavenly Father was guiding us every step of the way and blessing us for listening to his promptings and trusting Him. Beyond the amazing amount of donations the couples in our ward made they have also been so supportive emotionally. They all took our pass along cards and gave them to so many people. In fact it was a friend in the ward who passed her card to her mom who then passed the card to our birthmother. They are all so excited for us and ask about how everything is going all the time. We know we were supposed to be in this ward.

I guess the whole point of this post is to publically thank Heavenly Father for the guidance and complete direction he has given us during this process. We knew it would all work out, but we knew we couldn't do it alone. Adoption is a miracle, it is a true testimony builder and we cannot be grateful enough. It is also to thank everyone who has helped us out, even if it was just standing by our side and being excited for us. We have felt your support through this journey so far. We are so grateful for all of you.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

3 weeks!

I went to an ultrasound yesterday with J. I love getting to see those big lips! Seriously though this kid has got LIPS! I love it! I can't wait to squish his face and give him kisses. I really felt attached and like everything was real. I realized that I had detached myself from this baby without even knowing I was doing it. I had a solid month or two that I didn't even think about it much. I know it sounds horrible, but it is a defense mechanism of mine that I hate. When I am worried or have anxiety I ignore things. Let's face it people adoption is not the road for someone who wants it easy. For months I have had to face the reality that this little guy is either going to become my son that I will love more than anything or I could end up heartbroken without him. There hasn't really been much doubt for us ever since J chose us. She is straight forward, honest and open about how she feels and she includes us in on everything. But reality is that he is not "ours" until that paper is signed and anything could happen from now until then. I will have you know that we truly believe that this little man will become ours. It feels so right. Especially as it gets closer.
J, M (J's daughter) and I had a fun girls day since I was down for the ultrasound. We got some lunch and had a picnic at the park. We fed the ducks and let M play at the playground. After the ultrasound we went to the craft store and had so much fun picking out scrapbooking supplies and then went to target to pick out the outfit Liam will leave the hospital in. J and I get along so well and every time I think about her I cannot believe how well we fit together. We are so different, but it fits. I am so happy that we can call her family. We love her. We are so lucky that she lets us be so involved and we are so excited for the hospital. She wants us to be the first people to hold him. I can't wait! She is getting induced no later than the 31st so only three weeks to go!!!