Wednesday, June 26, 2013


Sunday Liam will be one month old. Time has gone by so fast and we have filled it with things to keep us busy, but sometimes time stops and I remember how heart broken I really am. We don't even know what his name is, but to us he is Liam. We named him Liam.
We are moving so we had to pack the nursery up . We took down the crib, packed a box full of clothes and cute decorations, and diapers. A lot of people said it would be better if we got it all out of sight, but for some reason it makes it worse for me. The fact that I don't know when I will be able to unpack those things makes me so sad. They were supposed to be used, not stored. But we will be putting it all in a storage unit on Saturday for who knows how long.
But we are really excited to buy a house so I am going to focus on that. It will be really great to have something that we can take care of and make our own.
A friend of mine made me realize how many life changes we are going through right now.
Thought we were going to be parents- we all know how that changed
changing jobs- I'm only changing centers, but Kyle has a completely new job
Changing cities
changing wards
going from living on our own to temporarily living with family (just until we find a house)

It is interesting how life moves on. We are excited to see what is coming next for us. Hopefully a baby will be coming soon :)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Crazy life

Life is crazy haha! One minute we think we are going to be parents and the next we are back to before. We are both different and I for one feel a new excitement about life. I know it sounds weird, but I have had to take a step back and reassess me. I was talking to a friend today about how it is interesting how sometimes you need something big to happen in life to get you back to being the best version of yourself. I feel like I want to love everyone around me and just learn about everyone. I feel like Heavenly Father has allowed me to feel his spirit more than ever before. I have felt so comforted. I have been able to let go of something that should have torn me to pieces. I'm so grateful for my testimony and for those who have prayed for us. There are so many people who have mourned with us and I can't tell anyone enough how much it means to us to know you care.

Before Liam was born we decided that it was time to move back near family. When things didn't go as planned we were so torn because we felt so good about moving and the main reason (out of many) was so that our child could be raised close to his loving family. We had both struggled a lot with the decision to continue the process of possibly moving. Today we have gotten news that things may have aligned perfectly for us to move. We are so excited to make a big change in our life and get closer to our family. So BIG NEWS we may be moving within a month! :) This has not been an easy decision. We absolutely LOVE Logan and the friends we have made here. They have been our family. Especially The Carricks and the Lewis'. Our ward is literally THE best ward we have ever had and I am so attached to the people at my center that I work at. We will miss being close to everyone. Like I said we are pretty sure... but not 100% sure that things have aligned yet, but if so we are so excited.
Here's to the next adventure in life. I love Kyle so much and I can't believe how selfless and wonderful he has been through this experience  and throughout our infertility journey. Never once has he made feel guilty or ashamed that I am the one with the infertility. He has supported me and allowed me to become who I truly should be. I hope I can make you feel as loved as you make me feel.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Back to reality!

Today was my first day back at work. It feels like I have been gone for over a month and it was less than two weeks. I feel like a different person. Before I got there I was shaking and so emotionally on edge that I was terrified about how the day would go. I couldn't help, but think about how I should be home with a baby, about how purposeless I feel right now. I wasn't worried about how others would react, but how I would keep it together. Of course the first person I see doesn't know. I feel bad because it is awkward for people to find out like that. I feel really lucky that my good friends at work acted normal. They knew that is what I needed.
Luckily right now is really busy in the training department so I was loaded with awesome work when I got there that will keep me busy for the rest of the month! Seriously another gift. Not joking. I would so much rather bury myself in work then twiddle my thumbs all day with too much time to think. By the end of the day I was proud of myself for not breaking down once.

I made some personal goals today for myself now that I am back at work.
1-Make sure that I make Kyle my #1 top priority. He of course is, but sometimes I get wrapped up in tasks and being busy that I'm not present when I get home with Kyle. I am so in love with him and will never be able to express how grateful I am for who he is. He deserves the best version of me.
2-Be more productive at work. So for over five months I have had a crazy distraction. This adoption consumed my mind at all times (which it should have). Due to this consumption I was really half as awesome as I can be at work.
3-Be a better person. I can get wrapped up in drama and petty things so easily and I hate it. Deep down I actually love everyone and I try to understand what makes people the way they are. I am going to make a solid effort to be a kinder person, especially at work.
4-Learn new things. I don't know if that means me going back to school or learning a new instrument. I feel like I'm not progressing and it needs to change.

If you know me well you know that I am a goal oriented person and it keeps me moving forward. So hopefully I can focus on the things that I do have control over rather than trying so hard to change the things that I don't have control over.

I really did enjoy being back at work. It makes life seem normal-ish.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

First night alone.

Kyle had to go work at the zoo today. He didn't want to, but we can't avoid real life for too long. This left me alone on a Saturday evening with nothing to do in our quiet apartment. I watched two movies (yes two) One- Warm bodies. I enjoyed it for the cheesy that it is. It was kinda funny.
Two- The life of Pi. I was worried that I wouldn't like this one, but I really enjoyed it. I liked the deeper meaning of it. And it was beautifully filmed.
After watching the movies I was left with nothing to do. I decided that I needed some thinking time so I ran to the temple where there are some benches that over look the valley. It is one of my favorite places in Logan, it is so peaceful. I didn't realize how much I just needed to be alone. Kyle has been so wonderful through all of this, he understands me. But being alone to think and pray is what I needed tonight. As I prayed I found myself mostly praying for J and her family. I truly hope the best for them. I hope that she is happy and that the baby is healthy. When I was done I sent her a goodbye text. I haven't texted her since I found out that she had decided to parent. It was simple and short. But I need her to know that we are ok. I just said that I hope the best for her and her family and that I will miss her. She probably blocked my number, but I hope that she got it. I didn't send it to get a reply. In fact I'm sure she wouldn't. I just need her to know.
When I got home my adoption friend Nicole called me. I asked her how she healed from her failed placement that was a lot like ours. She gave me a lot of great advice and ideas that I think will help. She is so positive and I'm grateful that she was willing to talk and share what helped her and her husband through two failed IVF, years of waiting and a failed placement. They are amazing and I'm so glad that they finally adopted their little one.  She mentioned that the loss is a lot like a death. I agree. I am mourning what could have been. I changed and made a place in my life for a son. For five months I anticipated and grew attached to this little person.

I know that I share a lot on this blog, but I want it to be real. I want people to know the truth about our journey. So you will be hearing a lot from me during this healing process. Writing is one of my ways of dealing with things.