Saturday, June 8, 2013

First night alone.

Kyle had to go work at the zoo today. He didn't want to, but we can't avoid real life for too long. This left me alone on a Saturday evening with nothing to do in our quiet apartment. I watched two movies (yes two) One- Warm bodies. I enjoyed it for the cheesy that it is. It was kinda funny.
Two- The life of Pi. I was worried that I wouldn't like this one, but I really enjoyed it. I liked the deeper meaning of it. And it was beautifully filmed.
After watching the movies I was left with nothing to do. I decided that I needed some thinking time so I ran to the temple where there are some benches that over look the valley. It is one of my favorite places in Logan, it is so peaceful. I didn't realize how much I just needed to be alone. Kyle has been so wonderful through all of this, he understands me. But being alone to think and pray is what I needed tonight. As I prayed I found myself mostly praying for J and her family. I truly hope the best for them. I hope that she is happy and that the baby is healthy. When I was done I sent her a goodbye text. I haven't texted her since I found out that she had decided to parent. It was simple and short. But I need her to know that we are ok. I just said that I hope the best for her and her family and that I will miss her. She probably blocked my number, but I hope that she got it. I didn't send it to get a reply. In fact I'm sure she wouldn't. I just need her to know.
When I got home my adoption friend Nicole called me. I asked her how she healed from her failed placement that was a lot like ours. She gave me a lot of great advice and ideas that I think will help. She is so positive and I'm grateful that she was willing to talk and share what helped her and her husband through two failed IVF, years of waiting and a failed placement. They are amazing and I'm so glad that they finally adopted their little one.  She mentioned that the loss is a lot like a death. I agree. I am mourning what could have been. I changed and made a place in my life for a son. For five months I anticipated and grew attached to this little person.

I know that I share a lot on this blog, but I want it to be real. I want people to know the truth about our journey. So you will be hearing a lot from me during this healing process. Writing is one of my ways of dealing with things.


  1. I love you, Andrea! (I was stoked when I found your blog!) Keep writing, girl. We love to read :)

  2. We've been praying for you and Kyle. Knowing some of the pain of infertility and the lonliness and deep sadness that comes with it, I can only imagine how heart breaking this last week has been. My mom always tells me that "It's always darkest and coldest right before the sun comes up" And I have seen that to be true so many times in my life. We will pray for your loss and hope you get your "Sun coming up" moment very soon. You guys are amazing!