We always knew that this could happen but we decided to let go and let ourselves love J and that little man freely without protecting ourselves. It was our decision and we don't take it back. Today J was scheduled to be induced at 7:15 am. We loaded up the car with our adorable car seat and diaper bag with the cutest little outfit ready to meet and take a baby boy home. We arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am and waited for J to arrive. Time pasted and she still hadn't arrived. We called and texted her asking if she was ok with no answer or response. We waited for an hour and a half in that waiting room hoping that she had just over slept, but knowing what was really happening. I called our caseworker who told us that this probably meant that J had changed her mind. We already knew that, but we didn't want to admit it. That is when we left the hospital. On the way out I lost it. So many thoughts were going through my mind, but the biggest one was just sadness. I was supposed to be leaving with a son that I have loved for 5 months. We were heart broken. Later our caseworker called saying that J's caseworker had finally found out that J went to the hospital and told the hospital social worker that she couldn't go through with the adoption and to not let us know that she was there. It is over.
We have loved this girl with open hearts and I wish that I could hate her right now, but I don't. I'm just heart broken. I can't help but hope the best for J and her little family. I hope that everything works out for her and that she is at peace with the choice she has made. Now we just have to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. We are starting by going on vacation, we don't know where yet, but we need to have some alone time before returning to work.
We want to thank everyone for your support during our journey. Our journey isn't over yet, we still need to find our family. Please keep posting our information and passing out our pass along cards to help us get our info out there.
Thank you,
Andrea and Kyle
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
scheduled to be induced!
J just told me that she is scheduled for the 30th to be induced!!!
We are so excited!
Happy Friday everyone!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Feeling so grateful
I remember the night we went to a little meeting at our agency to inform us about adoption (the process, the cost, etc.). We were filled with nervous excitement before the meeting. During the meeting I felt this shaky calm feeling (this is my "confirmation feeling" I get from the spirit). We knew it was right. Just like that. On the way home we cried because we knew it was right and we were so desperate to do something proactive to start our family, but we were worried about how we would work things out financially. We went home and prayed for confirmation that we should start the process. We already knew that the answer was yes, but we needed to hear it one last time.
Kyle was so sure, as he always is when he receives an answer. He goes and does without question.
We started by calling our families to give them the news and get advice on what we could do. My mom then said we should have a yard sale to raise money for the down payment to get the process going. We started our blog that weekend and started doing research on how we could fundraise. As soon as we announced our decision we were flooded with amazing support from our family and friends. It makes me cry every time I think about how generous so many people were. We received donations to our yard sale(baked goods, things to sell, time spent setting up and taking down), people shared our story on their blogs/FB/to their coworkers and families, people left supportive comments on our blog and on FB, people passed our pass along cards out.
Our ward has been beyond supportive to our cause and made us their big service project for the year. We didn't even mention anything financial to our bishop we didn't even think about it as an option to ask for help from the ward, but he approached us with the idea. He said that the ward needed us, they needed a cause to support. I knew at that point that Heavenly Father was guiding us every step of the way and blessing us for listening to his promptings and trusting Him. Beyond the amazing amount of donations the couples in our ward made they have also been so supportive emotionally. They all took our pass along cards and gave them to so many people. In fact it was a friend in the ward who passed her card to her mom who then passed the card to our birthmother. They are all so excited for us and ask about how everything is going all the time. We know we were supposed to be in this ward.
I guess the whole point of this post is to publically thank Heavenly Father for the guidance and complete direction he has given us during this process. We knew it would all work out, but we knew we couldn't do it alone. Adoption is a miracle, it is a true testimony builder and we cannot be grateful enough. It is also to thank everyone who has helped us out, even if it was just standing by our side and being excited for us. We have felt your support through this journey so far. We are so grateful for all of you.
Kyle was so sure, as he always is when he receives an answer. He goes and does without question.
We started by calling our families to give them the news and get advice on what we could do. My mom then said we should have a yard sale to raise money for the down payment to get the process going. We started our blog that weekend and started doing research on how we could fundraise. As soon as we announced our decision we were flooded with amazing support from our family and friends. It makes me cry every time I think about how generous so many people were. We received donations to our yard sale(baked goods, things to sell, time spent setting up and taking down), people shared our story on their blogs/FB/to their coworkers and families, people left supportive comments on our blog and on FB, people passed our pass along cards out.
Our ward has been beyond supportive to our cause and made us their big service project for the year. We didn't even mention anything financial to our bishop we didn't even think about it as an option to ask for help from the ward, but he approached us with the idea. He said that the ward needed us, they needed a cause to support. I knew at that point that Heavenly Father was guiding us every step of the way and blessing us for listening to his promptings and trusting Him. Beyond the amazing amount of donations the couples in our ward made they have also been so supportive emotionally. They all took our pass along cards and gave them to so many people. In fact it was a friend in the ward who passed her card to her mom who then passed the card to our birthmother. They are all so excited for us and ask about how everything is going all the time. We know we were supposed to be in this ward.
I guess the whole point of this post is to publically thank Heavenly Father for the guidance and complete direction he has given us during this process. We knew it would all work out, but we knew we couldn't do it alone. Adoption is a miracle, it is a true testimony builder and we cannot be grateful enough. It is also to thank everyone who has helped us out, even if it was just standing by our side and being excited for us. We have felt your support through this journey so far. We are so grateful for all of you.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
3 weeks!
I went to an ultrasound yesterday with J. I love getting to see those big lips! Seriously though this kid has got LIPS! I love it! I can't wait to squish his face and give him kisses. I really felt attached and like everything was real. I realized that I had detached myself from this baby without even knowing I was doing it. I had a solid month or two that I didn't even think about it much. I know it sounds horrible, but it is a defense mechanism of mine that I hate. When I am worried or have anxiety I ignore things. Let's face it people adoption is not the road for someone who wants it easy. For months I have had to face the reality that this little guy is either going to become my son that I will love more than anything or I could end up heartbroken without him. There hasn't really been much doubt for us ever since J chose us. She is straight forward, honest and open about how she feels and she includes us in on everything. But reality is that he is not "ours" until that paper is signed and anything could happen from now until then. I will have you know that we truly believe that this little man will become ours. It feels so right. Especially as it gets closer.
J, M (J's daughter) and I had a fun girls day since I was down for the ultrasound. We got some lunch and had a picnic at the park. We fed the ducks and let M play at the playground. After the ultrasound we went to the craft store and had so much fun picking out scrapbooking supplies and then went to target to pick out the outfit Liam will leave the hospital in. J and I get along so well and every time I think about her I cannot believe how well we fit together. We are so different, but it fits. I am so happy that we can call her family. We love her. We are so lucky that she lets us be so involved and we are so excited for the hospital. She wants us to be the first people to hold him. I can't wait! She is getting induced no later than the 31st so only three weeks to go!!!
J, M (J's daughter) and I had a fun girls day since I was down for the ultrasound. We got some lunch and had a picnic at the park. We fed the ducks and let M play at the playground. After the ultrasound we went to the craft store and had so much fun picking out scrapbooking supplies and then went to target to pick out the outfit Liam will leave the hospital in. J and I get along so well and every time I think about her I cannot believe how well we fit together. We are so different, but it fits. I am so happy that we can call her family. We love her. We are so lucky that she lets us be so involved and we are so excited for the hospital. She wants us to be the first people to hold him. I can't wait! She is getting induced no later than the 31st so only three weeks to go!!!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
5 things learned over 5 Years
Kyle and I just celebrated our 5th year anniversary. I feel like 5 is a big year! It sounds like a lot! Looking at it.... it is a lot. We are almost completely different people than who we were then. Not in a bad way, but we have just grown up so much. I mean look at these pictures!
Marriage to me is having one person that you can always count on, a person that cheers for you when you don't believe in yourself. Kyle is the most amazing man I have ever known. I'm not just saying that because it's what people say. These past few years have been the best of my life. He is always by my side serving me and making me believe that I am beautiful and smart. I only hope that I can learn to be as supportive of a spouse as he is. I hope my children become just like him. I love you Kyle!
It seems like such a long time ago! I thought I was in love then.... it is crazy how much more I love him now.
5 things I have learned about marriage from my marriage.
1. Marriage is about respect. Kyle has taught me so much about respect. He completely respects who I am. He never asks me to change myself and appreciates me for me. I have learned over time to truly respect him as well. With this respect we have such a chill marriage. We hardly argue and we trust each other completely.
2. Never talk negatively about your spouse to anyone. When I was first married I had a friend that always talked negatively about her spouse. I noticed that I started finding things to complain about too. Soon enough I had a lot of negative feelings toward Kyle that were so silly. When I noticed it I vowed that I would never do it again. I actually brag about Kyle most of the time now and I feel so proud that he is my hubby no matter who I am talking too. In fact at work he is known as my hot husband.
3. Recognize that marriage has ups and downs. We took a marriage and family relationships class together when we were first married and the teacher said that there a big ups and downs in marriage. At the time I couldn't see it, but I totally do now. There are times when we are totally crazy in love and so positive about life and marriage and other times when we don't connect as well. This is normal. If you recognize that this happens it makes it a lot easier to get through the down times.
4. Spend quality time together often. We are both pretty busy people and there are times when we are awesome at this and times when we aren't. When we make it a priority to spend quality time together we connect so much and feel better about our marriage. Quality time doesn't mean an expensive date. Usually our favorite time spent together is doing something active like jogging or going for a walk.
5.Throw out your ideas of what would make life perfect and love the life you have. This is not supposed to sound depressing because it isn't. Everyone has their own expectations of what your family and life will be like. We all should have goals and expectations, but we also need to be able to be happy if things turn out different. For a while I was so consumed with getting pregnant that I couldn't enjoy the amazing life I already had. This last year has been the best because we have let go of waiting until a baby comes and just lived the life we already have. I now look back and I wouldn't change a thing because I love the time we have had together before starting our family.
5. Recognize that marriage has ups and downs. We took a marriage and family relationships class together when we were first married and when talking about marriage the teacher said that there a big ups and downs in marriage. At the time I couldn't see it, but I totally do now. There are times when we are totally crazy in love and so positive about life and marriage and other times when we don't connect as well. This is normal. If you recognize that this happens it makes it a lot easier to get through the down times.
Marriage to me is having one person that you can always count on, a person that cheers for you when you don't believe in yourself. Kyle is the most amazing man I have ever known. I'm not just saying that because it's what people say. These past few years have been the best of my life. He is always by my side serving me and making me believe that I am beautiful and smart. I only hope that I can learn to be as supportive of a spouse as he is. I hope my children become just like him. I love you Kyle!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
crisis averted
Remember how I was having a midlife crisis???
I'm all better!!
Apparently all I needed was a little TLC and sunshine.
We went to Zions with our good friends and had more fun than we have had in a very long time. We spent most of our time outside in the sun. We hiked and hiked some more. We plade arcade games and went bowling. We even hit some balls at a golf range. The best part of it all is that we didn't have a plan at all. We woke up every morning and did whatever we felt like doing.
Our favorite part was the Angel's Landing hike. People told us it was pretty scetchy and the most of the way we didn't get it. Suddenly we understood haha. The last .5Mile is more of rock climbing. It was super high up and most of it you could look off a cliff on either side of where you were standing.
We were so happy to know that this was our last vacation without a child. We lived up our alone time, but we actually can't wait to go on vacations with our little man.
The thing about my midlif crisis is that it was mostly about change... just like anyone else I'm terrified of the unknown. It scares me to know that I will be in charge of a person. I can completely influence him, good and bad. Will I do a good job??
But, I want one thing to be clear. I want this change. I have ached for this change for over three years. It has consumed my life.
11 weeks everyone!!!
I'm all better!!
Apparently all I needed was a little TLC and sunshine.
We went to Zions with our good friends and had more fun than we have had in a very long time. We spent most of our time outside in the sun. We hiked and hiked some more. We plade arcade games and went bowling. We even hit some balls at a golf range. The best part of it all is that we didn't have a plan at all. We woke up every morning and did whatever we felt like doing.
Our favorite part was the Angel's Landing hike. People told us it was pretty scetchy and the most of the way we didn't get it. Suddenly we understood haha. The last .5Mile is more of rock climbing. It was super high up and most of it you could look off a cliff on either side of where you were standing.
We were so happy to know that this was our last vacation without a child. We lived up our alone time, but we actually can't wait to go on vacations with our little man.
The thing about my midlif crisis is that it was mostly about change... just like anyone else I'm terrified of the unknown. It scares me to know that I will be in charge of a person. I can completely influence him, good and bad. Will I do a good job??
But, I want one thing to be clear. I want this change. I have ached for this change for over three years. It has consumed my life.
11 weeks everyone!!!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
my midlife crisis
Pretty sure I recently went through a midlife crisis.... just saying.
I don't know if it is just knowing that my whole life is totally changing (in the best possible way) in three months or if it is just because winter is lasting far too long and I have cabin fever. Not sure, but it happened.
I found myself wanting to do random crazy/irresponsible things.
~spend lots of money, do something dangerous... never could think of anything that would fit this description, go cliff diving, stay up late every night, drive really fast, etc.
Just a lot of really random dumb things. Did I do any of them... not really. I just felt this itch to do something. We are going on a cheap little spring break trip to Zions and I think it will do. We are going to go running and hiking and swimming and just sit in the warm outside!!
Did any of you mom's out there have a midlife crisis right before your little one came? Or am I just a crazy person.
I think it may be that for such a long time we have devoted so much of our time and thoughts to getting our family started and now that it is so close I feel like I deserve a little me time before real adulthood begins. I promise I'm a responsible person!!
P.S. I'm totally in love with the name that we have picked out!!
P.S.S We got to hang out with J and her Mom last week and we will never stop thinking about how grateful we are to have been picked by her. We couldn't have asked for a more chill Birthmom/Birthfamily!
I don't know if it is just knowing that my whole life is totally changing (in the best possible way) in three months or if it is just because winter is lasting far too long and I have cabin fever. Not sure, but it happened.
I found myself wanting to do random crazy/irresponsible things.
~spend lots of money, do something dangerous... never could think of anything that would fit this description, go cliff diving, stay up late every night, drive really fast, etc.
Just a lot of really random dumb things. Did I do any of them... not really. I just felt this itch to do something. We are going on a cheap little spring break trip to Zions and I think it will do. We are going to go running and hiking and swimming and just sit in the warm outside!!
Did any of you mom's out there have a midlife crisis right before your little one came? Or am I just a crazy person.
I think it may be that for such a long time we have devoted so much of our time and thoughts to getting our family started and now that it is so close I feel like I deserve a little me time before real adulthood begins. I promise I'm a responsible person!!
P.S. I'm totally in love with the name that we have picked out!!
P.S.S We got to hang out with J and her Mom last week and we will never stop thinking about how grateful we are to have been picked by her. We couldn't have asked for a more chill Birthmom/Birthfamily!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)