Being Brave

This week we got our adoption profile sent to the closest office to our new home. We are just waiting now for our new caseworker to contact us to complete the new home study. We are lucky that the agency has let us stay online during our temporary stay in Salt Lake,  we just knew that if there was an adoption opportunity we would have to get a home study completed super quick.
What no one knew is that I was secretly really glad that I had an excuse to not promote our adoption for a little while. I had had so much fun blogging and facebooking and thinking of new ways that we could get our names out there before. We worked really hard and got a lot of good feedback quickly.
After the failed placement we all know that I have struggled with how to heal from that experience and I didn't realize that I was scared to try again. Well... I'm scared. I know that the same type of experience can happen again. The sweet women that consider adoption for their babies are going through something so incredibly hard. They have the right to change their mind, that baby is theirs until the papers are signed.
So now I have to be brave.
I have to accept how hard this was for us and let it make me stronger. I have to be positive about the life I have and have hope for the future. I have to work harder than before to get what we so desperately want. I have to truly realize that I may not get what I think I deserve or that it may take a very long time. I have to get creative. I want to learn from and help others who have had this experience. I have to heal.
So it starts again. Will you help us? Will you do what I know many of you have done before? Will you take our pass along cards? Will you talk to everyone you know about it? Will you blog it and FB it? We can't do this without your help! Please share our story and help us find our baby.
We are ready again. We are so ready.

Jaycie... the real reason we decided to move.

The first time we thought of moving back closer to our family was at our nephew's baby blessing. We were all at the luncheon eating and I was holding my niece Jaycie. She was not happy that she was being held by someone she did not really know and she was fussing. I was instantly upset because I realized this is probably how my children would react to their aunts and uncles and maybe even grandparents because we lived so far away. I hated that my niece didn't know me. It bugged me so much especially because we were preparing for an adoption at the time. I want our kids to know how much our family loves them and get to spend a lot of time with their fun cousins.

That night Kyle and I decided it was the right time to get ready to move back to the Salt Lake area. It is crazy how right it felt in an instant. We planned on moving while I was on Maternity leave from work during the summer after the adoption. When things fell through we still knew it was the right thing to move so we started preparing and looking for work. It all came together so quickly and suddenly we were moving. A lot of people may have thought we moved for a fresh start or as an emotional response to the adoption, but that isn't true at all. We may have never started thinking of moving back without the adoption, but we knew it was right to move and just kept with the plan.

Amber and Josh (parent's to the adorable Jaycie mentioned before) let us move in with them while we figured out what was next. We cannot ever express how grateful we are for their love and support during this time. They saw the good, bad and ugly from us during those few months. We were and frankly still are working to mend our broken hearts. Their family helped us heal and continue living and learn to have fun and laugh again. Their girls are the sweetest little people I have known and I would never give up the time I got to spend getting to know their cute little personalities! There were so many days that I would wake up sad and one of them would walk into my room and give me a hug and my day was instantly better.

  

I can now officially say that Jaycie knows me really well and even loves me. She knows that I am a sucker for a love and will give her anything if she looks at me with her cheesy grin. Here is a picture of us with all our nieces. Jaycie is the youngest with the silly face.

 

I will never know why we go through different trails, but one thing is for sure. Things happen for a reason and if that reason is that we needed to move down closer to family to get to know these girls better and to find a house then I might be ok with that. Love you!!

Home Sweet Home

Remember how we were hoping to move in to our new house by early December???

We got a huge surprise! Everything moved much faster than anticipated and we were able to move on Monday, one day after my Birthday!! I will always say it was the best Birthday present EVER! 

We love it so much and have been having fun all week unpacking and organizing.

Here are a few pictures.

 

I'm still figuring out how I want to decorate the living room wall and would love ideas! I have been scanning Pinterest for days and still have no idea what I'm going to do!

 

 

We were also really happy to be able to take this little guy with us. Meet Max!  

We welcomed him to our family about a month ago. My parents let us keep him at their house until we moved into ours. We very grateful they were willing to do that. Max is a Jack Russell Terrior, super fast and high energy, and hilarious. We love him and Kyle has had a lot of fun training him.

 

 

Positivity

My mom bought this cute journal for me a couple of weeks back.

I decided last week that I would write at least one thing that I am grateful for in it every day. It has really made me look for the good in life proactively. I love trying to find things that make me happy and living the "Glass half full" life.
Ever since our failed adoption placement I have had ups and downs dealing with my grief, but I want to be able to live life to the fullest and be happy with any situation I am in.

Today I am grateful for...
My Husband who makes me feel like I am important and loved.
My adorable Nieces who I will miss terribly when we move.
Fall weather.

House update

House hunting update.
WE FOUND A HOUSE!!!!
The last post about a house hunting was about a different house. It didn't work out with the sellers,  but we are ok with that because it made us start looking in Tooele where we found our home!
It is a cute rambler in a newer neighborhood just a block away from a great park. It is beautiful inside. We love the open floorplan. There are three bedrooms upstairs and when the basement is finished we will have five.
At first we did not want to buy in Tooele because of the commute,  but then we took a test drive to see how long it takes. It was only ten or fifteen minutes longer so we decided to start looking there.
As you know we recently moved from Logan, a small country like town. We loved everything about it. Especially the access to the great outdoors. We were able to go hike and run up the canyon all the time. Once we moved back to Salt Lake we realized how lucky we were and we missed it so much.
Tooele has the same kind of vibe as Logan. It is a small town with a canyon with fishing and hiking and fourwheeling super close. I'm so excited to explore the running trails and roads around our house.
Due to getting a rural housing loan it takes a very long time to close on the house. We were planning for November 15th,  but then the Government shutdown spoiled our plans. Now we are just hoping for the first part of December. We are so excited to have our first Christmas in our very own HOME! We are just hoping everything works out and that we don't have any surprises.

Falling for Fall!

I was so ready for fall when it came. Fall is my favorite season and I was ready for a change. We have been trying to get out and enjoy the beautiful weather and leaves as much as possible.

We have been walking a few times at memorial grove. We love that there is a little off leash dog trail for Toby. The trails there are great for running and so beautiful!

 

 Kyle and I decided to try out Rose Canyon. It is super isolated and quiet. We spent the afternoon walking up the little dirt road.

 

We are excited for Halloween and plan on dressing up... we are kinda nerdy haha! I am going to be a scout and Kyle will be an old man. Pictures to come :)

 

 

 

House Hunting

We have been house hunting for a few months now. Finding a good house for a good deal can get exhausting!! But we are having so much fun and we absolutely LOVE our realtor Tonya. She is so sweet.
We found a house that we really like. The yard is really nice,  it is located in a cute little cultisac and there is a park just a block away. The backyard has a deck and as an added bonus it has a hot tub! Another awesome perk is that it is completely dog ready.
The owners just found out that the house they will be moving into is going to be ten thousand more than expected and so they are still trying to make sure everything is working out on their end. As soon as they finalize that we can go under contract. We hope we get it, but if not I'm sure there is something else out there for us.
I am having fun thinking of how I will decorate and I'm so excited to get to make something ours! Kyle can't hardly wait to get a home so that he can get a dog. He has been waiting so long to get one.

Life has been moving on. We have been doing a lot of yard work helping out with the parent's yards and a side project. So we have been keeping really busy. We are both liking our new jobs and are adjusting to life in the big city. We adore living with our nieces and getting to see them every day. They brighten even the darkest day with their cute smiles and silly laughter.
I am getting fall fever. Fall is my favorite season and I can't wait for everything that comes with it. Boots, soup, sweaters, fall colors, nice temperatures, and the approaching holidays.
Kyle started school last week and is really interested in his psychology class he is taking this semester.

We will keep you all updated on the house hunt!! Wish us luck!

Our adoption profile

We are in a tough spot with our adoption profile. Since we moved we have to update our home study. Now here is the hard thing... Do we pay to have our home study updated while living with Kyle's awesome sister or do we wait until we find our house? The risk of waiting is that we will have our profile put on hold so no birthmothers would be able to view our info on the website. But if we pay we will have to pay twice in a short time frame for home studies.
For now we have decided to wait on the home study. It kind of breaks my heart because we were able to be so productive before, then we were off the website for 5 months while waiting for Liam, put back on for a little bit, and now we may be taken off again.
But for now they haven't taken us off yet... I hope they forget ;).
For all you Birth Mothers out there, if you are interested in us we will bend over backwards to make sure we can have a child placed with us. We really don't mind paying for a home study if we need to. If we are taken off the agencies website please feel free to contact us through email. Andrea.kyle.adopt@hotmail.com

We have lived in Salt Lake for one month! We have done so many fun things since being here

-Ran a 5k and played on a giant slip and slide on the 4th.
-Went to Park City for a night (Thanks Charlene for Kyle's Birthday gift)

 

-Got to be one of my very best friends escort when she went through the temple.
-Gone to Seven Peaks twice and have plans to go back a lot more. We found a killer deal for the pass of all passes.
-Kyle has been able to spend time with his favorite dog Tobby.

 

 -Had some awesome evening runs with my sister. One night we ran past a very friendly horse

 

-Went to a Luau.

-Went to the gardener village farmers market.
-Played a ton with our adorable nieces, that we just love.

We have been having so much fun! We really do miss Logan and all of our friends up there, but it is so nice to be able to see our family whenever we want. We are so grateful for Amber and Josh letting us stay with them while we save for our house. We would never be able to save as much as we want to if we had an apartment.

The big move

Two weeks ago we moved!
It was kind of all of the sudden and I was not 100% sure how I felt about it. We here now and we are really happy. We get to hang out with our nieces every day and we have so much fun with them. I have been jogging with my sister and sister-in-law most nights too.
I officially started at my new center Monday and I'm not going to lie... it has been a bit overwhelming, but it's working out and I'm excited to get everything in order so it can get back to normal. I'm starting to get to know everyone a little and there are a few people that seem really nice.
Kyle starts his new job with the post office on Monday and he is stoked! He has been pretty bored this week with nothing to do so he is ready to get started.
Thank you to everyone who helped with the move, we know it was short notice. We are extremely grateful so many people showed up to help!

We feel like we are starting fresh. It is awesome to be around family and we are SO EXCITED to buy a house! I still think about Liam, I really hope he and J are doing well. But we are not dwelling on what happened because for some reason it was supposed to happen. I hope it brings us closer to the birth mother who places with us. We can't wait to meet that little one some day!

Change

Sunday Liam will be one month old. Time has gone by so fast and we have filled it with things to keep us busy, but sometimes time stops and I remember how heart broken I really am. We don't even know what his name is, but to us he is Liam. We named him Liam.
We are moving so we had to pack the nursery up . We took down the crib, packed a box full of clothes and cute decorations, and diapers. A lot of people said it would be better if we got it all out of sight, but for some reason it makes it worse for me. The fact that I don't know when I will be able to unpack those things makes me so sad. They were supposed to be used, not stored. But we will be putting it all in a storage unit on Saturday for who knows how long.
But we are really excited to buy a house so I am going to focus on that. It will be really great to have something that we can take care of and make our own.
A friend of mine made me realize how many life changes we are going through right now.
Thought we were going to be parents- we all know how that changed
changing jobs- I'm only changing centers, but Kyle has a completely new job
Changing cities
changing wards
going from living on our own to temporarily living with family (just until we find a house)

It is interesting how life moves on. We are excited to see what is coming next for us. Hopefully a baby will be coming soon :)

Crazy life

Life is crazy haha! One minute we think we are going to be parents and the next we are back to before. We are both different and I for one feel a new excitement about life. I know it sounds weird, but I have had to take a step back and reassess me. I was talking to a friend today about how it is interesting how sometimes you need something big to happen in life to get you back to being the best version of yourself. I feel like I want to love everyone around me and just learn about everyone. I feel like Heavenly Father has allowed me to feel his spirit more than ever before. I have felt so comforted. I have been able to let go of something that should have torn me to pieces. I'm so grateful for my testimony and for those who have prayed for us. There are so many people who have mourned with us and I can't tell anyone enough how much it means to us to know you care.

Before Liam was born we decided that it was time to move back near family. When things didn't go as planned we were so torn because we felt so good about moving and the main reason (out of many) was so that our child could be raised close to his loving family. We had both struggled a lot with the decision to continue the process of possibly moving. Today we have gotten news that things may have aligned perfectly for us to move. We are so excited to make a big change in our life and get closer to our family. So BIG NEWS we may be moving within a month! :) This has not been an easy decision. We absolutely LOVE Logan and the friends we have made here. They have been our family. Especially The Carricks and the Lewis'. Our ward is literally THE best ward we have ever had and I am so attached to the people at my center that I work at. We will miss being close to everyone. Like I said we are pretty sure... but not 100% sure that things have aligned yet, but if so we are so excited.
Here's to the next adventure in life. I love Kyle so much and I can't believe how selfless and wonderful he has been through this experience  and throughout our infertility journey. Never once has he made feel guilty or ashamed that I am the one with the infertility. He has supported me and allowed me to become who I truly should be. I hope I can make you feel as loved as you make me feel.

Back to reality!

Today was my first day back at work. It feels like I have been gone for over a month and it was less than two weeks. I feel like a different person. Before I got there I was shaking and so emotionally on edge that I was terrified about how the day would go. I couldn't help, but think about how I should be home with a baby, about how purposeless I feel right now. I wasn't worried about how others would react, but how I would keep it together. Of course the first person I see doesn't know. I feel bad because it is awkward for people to find out like that. I feel really lucky that my good friends at work acted normal. They knew that is what I needed.
Luckily right now is really busy in the training department so I was loaded with awesome work when I got there that will keep me busy for the rest of the month! Seriously another gift. Not joking. I would so much rather bury myself in work then twiddle my thumbs all day with too much time to think. By the end of the day I was proud of myself for not breaking down once.

I made some personal goals today for myself now that I am back at work.
1-Make sure that I make Kyle my #1 top priority. He of course is, but sometimes I get wrapped up in tasks and being busy that I'm not present when I get home with Kyle. I am so in love with him and will never be able to express how grateful I am for who he is. He deserves the best version of me.
2-Be more productive at work. So for over five months I have had a crazy distraction. This adoption consumed my mind at all times (which it should have). Due to this consumption I was really half as awesome as I can be at work.
3-Be a better person. I can get wrapped up in drama and petty things so easily and I hate it. Deep down I actually love everyone and I try to understand what makes people the way they are. I am going to make a solid effort to be a kinder person, especially at work.
4-Learn new things. I don't know if that means me going back to school or learning a new instrument. I feel like I'm not progressing and it needs to change.

If you know me well you know that I am a goal oriented person and it keeps me moving forward. So hopefully I can focus on the things that I do have control over rather than trying so hard to change the things that I don't have control over.

I really did enjoy being back at work. It makes life seem normal-ish.

First night alone.

Kyle had to go work at the zoo today. He didn't want to, but we can't avoid real life for too long. This left me alone on a Saturday evening with nothing to do in our quiet apartment. I watched two movies (yes two) One- Warm bodies. I enjoyed it for the cheesy that it is. It was kinda funny.
Two- The life of Pi. I was worried that I wouldn't like this one, but I really enjoyed it. I liked the deeper meaning of it. And it was beautifully filmed.
After watching the movies I was left with nothing to do. I decided that I needed some thinking time so I ran to the temple where there are some benches that over look the valley. It is one of my favorite places in Logan, it is so peaceful. I didn't realize how much I just needed to be alone. Kyle has been so wonderful through all of this, he understands me. But being alone to think and pray is what I needed tonight. As I prayed I found myself mostly praying for J and her family. I truly hope the best for them. I hope that she is happy and that the baby is healthy. When I was done I sent her a goodbye text. I haven't texted her since I found out that she had decided to parent. It was simple and short. But I need her to know that we are ok. I just said that I hope the best for her and her family and that I will miss her. She probably blocked my number, but I hope that she got it. I didn't send it to get a reply. In fact I'm sure she wouldn't. I just need her to know.
When I got home my adoption friend Nicole called me. I asked her how she healed from her failed placement that was a lot like ours. She gave me a lot of great advice and ideas that I think will help. She is so positive and I'm grateful that she was willing to talk and share what helped her and her husband through two failed IVF, years of waiting and a failed placement. They are amazing and I'm so glad that they finally adopted their little one.  She mentioned that the loss is a lot like a death. I agree. I am mourning what could have been. I changed and made a place in my life for a son. For five months I anticipated and grew attached to this little person.

I know that I share a lot on this blog, but I want it to be real. I want people to know the truth about our journey. So you will be hearing a lot from me during this healing process. Writing is one of my ways of dealing with things.

Failed placement

We always knew that this could happen  but we decided to let go and let ourselves love J and that little man freely without protecting ourselves. It was our decision and we don't take it back. Today J was scheduled to be induced at 7:15 am. We loaded up the car with our adorable car seat and diaper bag with the cutest little outfit ready to meet and take a baby boy home. We arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am and waited for J to arrive. Time pasted and she still hadn't arrived. We called and texted her asking if she was ok with no answer or response. We waited for an hour and a half in that waiting room hoping that she had just over slept, but knowing what was really happening. I called our caseworker who told us that this probably meant that J had changed her mind. We already knew that, but we didn't want to admit it. That is when we left the hospital. On the way out I lost it. So many thoughts were going through my mind, but the biggest one was just sadness. I was supposed to be leaving with a son that I have loved for 5 months. We were heart broken. Later our caseworker called saying that J's caseworker had finally found out that J went to the hospital and told the hospital social worker that she couldn't go through with the adoption and to not let us know that she was there. It is over.
We have loved this girl with open hearts and I wish that I could hate her right now, but I don't. I'm just heart broken. I can't help but hope the best for J and her little family. I hope that everything works out for her and that she is at peace with the choice she has made. Now we just have to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. We are starting by going on vacation, we don't know where yet, but we need to have some alone time before returning to work.
We want to thank everyone for your support during our journey. Our journey isn't over yet, we still need to find our family. Please keep posting our information and passing out our pass along cards to help us get our info out there.
Thank you,
Andrea and Kyle

scheduled to be induced!

J just told me that she is scheduled for the 30th to be induced!!!

We are so excited!

Happy Friday everyone!

Feeling so grateful

I remember the night we went to a little meeting at our agency to inform us about adoption (the process, the cost, etc.). We were filled with nervous excitement before the meeting. During the meeting I felt this shaky calm feeling (this is my "confirmation feeling" I get from the spirit). We knew it was right. Just like that. On the way home we cried because we knew it was right and we were so desperate to do something proactive to start our family, but we were worried about how we would work things out financially. We went home and prayed for confirmation that we should start the process. We already knew that the answer was yes, but we needed to hear it one last time.
Kyle was so sure, as he always is when he receives an answer. He goes and does without question.

We started by calling our families to give them the news and get advice on what we could do. My mom then said we should have a yard sale to raise money for the down payment to get the process going. We started our blog that weekend and started doing research on how we could fundraise. As soon as we announced our decision we were flooded with amazing support from our family and friends. It makes me cry every time I think about how generous so many people were. We received donations to our yard sale(baked goods, things to sell, time spent setting up and taking down), people shared our story on their blogs/FB/to their coworkers and families, people left supportive comments on our blog and on FB, people passed our pass along cards out.

Our ward has been beyond supportive to our cause and made us their big service project for the year. We didn't even mention anything financial to our bishop we didn't even think about it as an option to ask for help from the ward, but he approached us with the idea. He said that the ward needed us, they needed a cause to support. I knew at that point that Heavenly Father was guiding us every step of the way and blessing us for listening to his promptings and trusting Him. Beyond the amazing amount of donations the couples in our ward made they have also been so supportive emotionally. They all took our pass along cards and gave them to so many people. In fact it was a friend in the ward who passed her card to her mom who then passed the card to our birthmother. They are all so excited for us and ask about how everything is going all the time. We know we were supposed to be in this ward.

I guess the whole point of this post is to publically thank Heavenly Father for the guidance and complete direction he has given us during this process. We knew it would all work out, but we knew we couldn't do it alone. Adoption is a miracle, it is a true testimony builder and we cannot be grateful enough. It is also to thank everyone who has helped us out, even if it was just standing by our side and being excited for us. We have felt your support through this journey so far. We are so grateful for all of you.

3 weeks!

I went to an ultrasound yesterday with J. I love getting to see those big lips! Seriously though this kid has got LIPS! I love it! I can't wait to squish his face and give him kisses. I really felt attached and like everything was real. I realized that I had detached myself from this baby without even knowing I was doing it. I had a solid month or two that I didn't even think about it much. I know it sounds horrible, but it is a defense mechanism of mine that I hate. When I am worried or have anxiety I ignore things. Let's face it people adoption is not the road for someone who wants it easy. For months I have had to face the reality that this little guy is either going to become my son that I will love more than anything or I could end up heartbroken without him. There hasn't really been much doubt for us ever since J chose us. She is straight forward, honest and open about how she feels and she includes us in on everything. But reality is that he is not "ours" until that paper is signed and anything could happen from now until then. I will have you know that we truly believe that this little man will become ours. It feels so right. Especially as it gets closer.
J, M (J's daughter) and I had a fun girls day since I was down for the ultrasound. We got some lunch and had a picnic at the park. We fed the ducks and let M play at the playground. After the ultrasound we went to the craft store and had so much fun picking out scrapbooking supplies and then went to target to pick out the outfit Liam will leave the hospital in. J and I get along so well and every time I think about her I cannot believe how well we fit together. We are so different, but it fits. I am so happy that we can call her family. We love her. We are so lucky that she lets us be so involved and we are so excited for the hospital. She wants us to be the first people to hold him. I can't wait! She is getting induced no later than the 31st so only three weeks to go!!!

5 things learned over 5 Years

Kyle and I just celebrated our 5th year anniversary. I feel like 5 is a big year! It sounds like a lot! Looking at it.... it is a lot. We are almost completely different people than who we were then. Not in a bad way, but we have just grown up so much. I mean look at these pictures!

It seems like such a long time ago! I thought I was in love then.... it is crazy how much more I love him now.

5 things I have learned about marriage from my marriage.

1. Marriage is about respect. Kyle has taught me so much about respect. He completely respects who I am. He never asks me to change myself and appreciates me for me. I have learned over time to truly respect him as well. With this respect we have such a chill marriage. We hardly argue and we trust each other completely. 

2. Never talk negatively about your spouse to anyone. When I was first married I had a friend that always talked negatively about her spouse. I noticed that I started finding things to complain about too. Soon enough I had a lot of negative feelings toward Kyle that were so silly. When I noticed it I vowed that I would never do it again. I actually brag about Kyle most of the time now and I feel so proud that he is my hubby no matter who I am talking too. In fact at work he is known as my hot husband.

 3. Recognize that marriage has ups and downs. We took a marriage and family relationships class together when we were first married and the teacher said that there a big ups and downs in marriage. At the time I couldn't see it, but I totally do now. There are times when we are totally crazy in love and so positive about life and marriage and other times when we don't connect as well. This is normal. If you recognize that this happens it makes it a lot easier to get through the down times.

 

4. Spend quality time together often. We are both pretty busy people and there are times when we are awesome at this and times when we aren't. When we make it a priority to spend quality time together we connect so much and feel better about our marriage. Quality time doesn't mean an expensive date. Usually our favorite time spent together is doing something active like jogging or going for a walk. 

5.Throw out your ideas of what would make life perfect and love the life you have. This is not supposed to sound depressing because it isn't. Everyone has their own expectations of what your family and life will be like. We all should have goals and expectations, but we also need to be able to be happy if things turn out different. For a while I was so consumed with getting pregnant that I couldn't enjoy the amazing life I already had. This last year has been the best because we have let go of waiting until a baby comes and just lived the life we already have. I now look back and I wouldn't change a thing because I love the time we have had together before starting our family.

 

5. Recognize that marriage has ups and downs. We took a marriage and family relationships class together when we were first married and when talking about marriage the teacher said that there a big ups and downs in marriage. At the time I couldn't see it, but I totally do now. There are times when we are totally crazy in love and so positive about life and marriage and other times when we don't connect as well. This is normal. If you recognize that this happens it makes it a lot easier to get through the down times.  

Marriage to me is having one person that you can always count on, a person that cheers for you when you don't believe in yourself. Kyle is the most amazing man I have ever known. I'm not just saying that because it's what people say. These past few years have been the best of my life. He is always by my side serving me and making me believe that I am beautiful and smart. I only hope that I can learn to be as supportive of a spouse as he is. I hope my children become just like him. I love you Kyle!

crisis averted

Remember how I was having a midlife crisis???
I'm all better!!
Apparently all I needed was a little TLC and sunshine.
We went to Zions with our good friends and had more fun than we have had in a very long time. We spent most of  our time outside in the sun. We hiked and hiked some more. We plade arcade games and went bowling. We even hit some balls at a golf range. The best part of it all is that we didn't have a plan at all. We woke up every morning and did whatever we felt like doing.
Our favorite part was the Angel's Landing hike. People told us it was pretty scetchy and the most of the way we didn't get it. Suddenly we understood haha. The last .5Mile is more of rock climbing. It was super high up and most of it you could look off a cliff on either side of where you were standing.
We were so happy to know that this was our last vacation without a child. We lived up our alone time, but we actually can't wait to go on vacations with our little man.
The thing about my midlif crisis is that it was mostly about change... just like anyone else I'm terrified of the unknown. It scares me to know that I will be in charge of a person. I can completely influence him, good and bad. Will I do a good job??
But, I want one thing to be clear. I want this change. I have ached for this change for over three years. It has consumed my life.

11 weeks everyone!!!

my midlife crisis

Pretty sure I recently went through a midlife crisis.... just saying.

I don't know if it is just knowing that my whole life is totally changing (in the best possible way) in three months or if it is just because winter is lasting far too long and I have cabin fever. Not sure, but it happened.

I found myself wanting to do random crazy/irresponsible things.
~spend lots of money, do something dangerous... never could think of anything that would fit this description, go cliff diving, stay up late every night, drive really fast, etc.

Just a lot of really random dumb things. Did I do any of them... not really. I just felt this itch to do something. We are going on a cheap little spring break trip to Zions and I think it will do. We are going to go running and hiking and swimming and just sit in the warm outside!!

Did any of you mom's out there have a midlife crisis right before your little one came? Or am I just a crazy person.

I think it may be that for such a long time we have devoted so much of our time and thoughts to getting our family started and now that it is so close I feel like I deserve a little me time before real adulthood begins. I promise I'm a responsible person!!

P.S. I'm totally in love with the name that we have picked out!!

P.S.S We got to hang out with J and her Mom last week and we will never stop thinking about how grateful we are to have been picked by her. We couldn't have asked for a more chill Birthmom/Birthfamily!  

February

Our profile can't be accessed on the website anymore!! This is the official "You have been chosen by a Birthmother" moment! :)

Although J was set on us since January she hadn't been working with our agency and so it took a while to get that process going.

Lately it has been a little crazy around here! 

-We are getting everything ready for the little one to arrive.

-Our little nephew Camden was born 7weeks early! The poor little guy has been in the NICU for three weeks now and they aren't sure when he will be able to go home. Kyle got to go visit him, but I haven't yet. We are in love with him already!

-I'm pretty sure I'm going to make a paper chain with the amount of weeks left in J's pregnancy (tomorrow makes 14 weeks left!)

-Kyle is so loaded with schoolwork this semester. The poor guy has been doing homework from  sun-up to sun-down.

-I got sick for a solid THREE weeks and the DR. said it was probably Mono. BOO! I have been trying to start running again and I feel like a blob of tiredness.

-It snowed again last week and we are getting so sick of winter. Usually we love snow, but we were all sorts of annoyed. Thinking SPRING!

-February is the busiest month of the year for me at work and it takes all of my will power to concentrate when I am there these days. My boss keeps saying that I am having adoption symptoms just like a pregnant woman.

-I have bought a few clothes and things for the little man and I am had to slow myself down! I have 14 weeks to go and I know I am having at least one shower before he comes so I don't want to over do it. (My favorite outfit is this little flannel shirt and jeans, I can't get over it)

-Kyle works at the zoo and they have noticed what a hard worker he is so they are giving him a lot more hrs. He is hoping that at some point he will go full-time with them. He loves working there.

-February went by so fast... I hope that March, April, and May will!

It's a boy!

We are so lucky that we have such an awesome Birthmom! She let us come for her ultrasound today. It was quite the run around getting there because the first hospital couldn't take her appointment so we had to go to another hospital in the area that could get us in (long story). The ultrasound ended up being the 20 week super in depth one so it was awesome to see that. We found out that it is a BOY... we weren't surprised, for some reason we have been referring to the little one as "Him" for a while now. He is healthy and right on track for his June 6th due date. The 4D ultrasound is so cool and we got an awesome picture of his face, what a cutie! After the appointment we went shopping for a little outfit with J and had so much fun with her.
WE ARE SO EXCITED!!

Feeling the JOY!

(Written Feb 1st) We are very open people. Sometimes too open... we tend to over share. So have we told every person we have come in contact with about J choosing us?? YES! Most people are so excited, some cry tears of happiness for us, and some look cautious. We feel so good about everything that has happened and we want to be able to share our joy just like anyone else would about a future child on the way. We understand that some of you are worried for us, in fact we worry too. Nothing is final until after placement and so many things could happen in that timeframe. We get that and understand how serious that is. Our thought is... is there anything in life that is really guaranteed? No! We can't waste our time living in fear of possibilities.

For now we are feeling the pure joy of what this moment is!

Our Birthmom J

(Written Jan 27th) We met our Birthmom on Saturday (Jan 26). Were we terrified... yes. The night before Kyle had to work and I was home alone to think about every little thing that could go wrong. Was it going to be awkward, what  if she hates us, etc. etc. On the drive down I was shaking and Kyle kept repeating how nervous he was. We really had no idea how this was going to go because she said in her email that she was considering placing. So we didn't even know if she had made a decision to place yet. Finally we got to breakfast were we met J, her daughter M and her caseworker. Her caseworker is so sweet and helped us start the conversation, we are so grateful that she came with. We small talked for a while and then J and her caseworker told us why J liked us. Apparently I didn't pick up that they were saying that J had chosen us to be the parents, until the caseworker said "I told J that she should look into other families, but she didn't want to. She knows you guys are it." We kept talking and then suddenly breakfast was over. So we got in our cars and left. We were thinking wow that was quick and we knew she had chosen us, but she hadn't said it directly yet. As we were driving away we got a call from them asking us to meet at J's apartment to talk more. We are so glad that we did because talking more really cleared things up. We really got to know J and felt so comfortable with her. She is someone that any adoptive parent would be lucky to have an open adoption with. She is funny, down to earth, and supportive of how we want to parent. She has been through a lot in her life and we think she is so strong! She is just wonderful! We also got to play a little bit more with M, possibly the cutest little girl on this earth! While we were at her apartment I couldn't help but straight up ask her... "So you have chosen us for sure??" She said yes, she said there is something about us that she just loves and especially after talking we just match. What a relief! She had actually chosen us before we even met, meeting just sealed the deal.
We talked more than two hours like we all were good friends. We actually have a lot in common.
We feel very good about this adoption and we can't believe that we are so lucky to have found a Birthmother so fast! Those pass along cards worked!! We know that Heavenly Father has had a hand in our process and we are so excited for little baby Ewert that is coming our way!!

What's mine is your's.

I can't get enough of this song. So touching.

Sympathy Symptoms

(Written Jan 31) It has been almost a week since we heard the awesome news from J and we have been on cloud nine!!

I'm pretty sure I have some sympathy pregnancy symptoms going on over here.
Nesting: We bought a crib and set it up, ever since that night I have spent all my free time organizing our apartment. It started with our closet and it hasn't stopped. I didn't realize how strange it was until tonight. I thought... when do I ever organize and clean for the fun of it, NEVER! (for Kyle it is a normal thing, but not me.) So yeah total nestage happening people.
Pregnancy brain: I know this sounds weird, but I'm kinda useless. Especially at work. I find myself getting so distracted and forgetting everything. Tonight I forgot where I parked at the gym. Am I a spaz most of the time? YES, but this is extreme people!
I was talking to my friend about it and she thinks that my hormones are kicking in because I know it is coming soon. I kinda love that I am experiencing this because I have to miss out on other prenatal things about our little one. At least I can connect with her/him somehow.

We find out the gender of the little one on February 12!! Can't wait. Amber my sister in law is rooting for a girl for Jaycie to have a bestie and I love it. We are not partial either way. I keep imagining how cute a little boy would be and for some reason we keep accidentally referring to it as a he on accident. But then I think of little girls and how fun that would be! Seriously split! Either way a healthy baby is all we care, we are so in love with this little one already!

Open or Closed

Our Birthmother letter mentions that we would love an open adoption. This is true. We have been to many classes and done research and we feel like open adoption could be a wonderful thing for us, our child and the birth family if everyone is on the same page and communication is clear. Our opinion about open adoptions is that our relationship with the Birthmother is like other relationships. You start small and as trust, love, and friendship grows the relationship grows bigger as well. Obviously the details would be discussed personally with the Birthmother and how it starts will depend on that discussion. But we also want Birth mothers and families to know that if they feel like a closed adoption is something they need we are willing to do that as well. We know that everyone is different and that some Birthmothers need that distance and we understand. Every situation is so different so we have no idea what the future will hold, but we are excited about it!

Birthmothers

I have been thinking a lot about Birthmothers lately. I know I can't ever say I know what they are going through, but I feel so much emotion for them. I don't know how to get my feelings into words. All I know is that whenever a Birthmother looks into placing with us I want her to know that I want what is best for her and her baby. If we aren't what she needs, I understand. I want her to feel confident about her decision of placing and in who she is placing with. She can ask us any question and we will answer honestly because we want her to know who we are so she can make an educated decision.
Here is our letter to a Birthmother that is on our profile. I realized that I have never posted it on the blog. It took us a while to write because we wanted it to really show how we feel.


Dear Friend,

We are so excited that you stopped to take a look at our profile. We look forward to us getting to know each other! We can not comprehend what you must be going through at this time in your life, but we admire you for considering adoption. We know that it is because of your selflessness and love for this child that you are here. We hope that you can be guided in the difficult decision you are faced with and we admire your courage and love in making efforts to give your child the best possible future.


Our Story
We have been married over four years now and we are so in love. We are best friends and do everything together. We are very active and love being outside. Activities we enjoy are camping, hiking, biking, game nights, going to movies, vacationing, spending time with family and friends and so much more. Our home is filled with love and laughter every day and we can’t wait for the happiness that a little one will add. We are excited that we get to grow our family through adoption.


About Kyle - by Andrea
Kyle is my favorite person on this earth! He is the most loving person I have ever known. He is always finding ways to serve others and make people feel good about themselves. He is so accepting of every one and doesn’t judge people by their looks, history, or situation. Kyle is a kid at heart and is at home when he is playing with children. I know he will be such a good dad. He is such a hard worker, he is a student at Utah State University studying Wildlife Science and works as well! As you can tell from his major he loves animals and nature. Some of his goals are to start a dog training business and to compete in a triathlon. A few of Kyle’s hobbies are fishing, drawing, and exercising. He loves basketball and is a huge Jazz fan (regardless of how bad they are). There is no way for me to fit in this letter how truly amazing Kyle is, but I can say that he is the most supportive husband and will be such a loving and fun father to a lucky child some day.


About Andrea - by Kyle
I can not live without Andrea. She finds the best in me and others as well. She forgives and forgets when someone may have offended her or hurt her. When Andrea wants to do something or feels good about something she is very determined and dedicated to get it done. For example she loves music and has been involved in it ever since she was a child. She plays the Viola and plays very well because of her determination to do well. She is the most supportive and kind person a husband could ask for. She loves children and is so great to all of our nieces and nephews, and knows how to discipline in such a loving and caring way. Andrea has always put others before herself, she is full of service towards others and loves to do it. It is one of those things that make her happy and bright eyed. One of the things I love most about her besides her kindness and love is that she is down to earth and willing to try anything new. She loves the outdoors, and loves supporting me in my goals.

We are very excited that we get to adopt. We can’t believe how lucky we are, that we get to share this experience. We would love to have an open adoption. We want our children to know and love their birth family. We can’t wait to get to know you and your family and we hope that we can become friends in this journey together! Thanks for reading about us and please contact us if you have any questions or want to learn more.

Sincerely,
Kyle and Andrea
Andrea.kyle.adopt@hotmail.com
Waitingforyouwithlovetogive.blogspot.com

lately

Lately

Kyle
-Loving his wildlife classes at school
-Becoming a workout fanatic
-Lover of all ice cream (especially superman)
-So ready for this icy cold winter to end
-Insists that he still enjoys winter camping (Andrea still insisting that she won't ever go in the winter)

Andrea
-Loves wearing scarfs lately
-scared to train for another half marathon (but doing it anyway)
-Craving a fireplace and a good book these days
-Love's meticulous meal planning
-Currently trying to grow her hair out

Last night we went to our regular 3rd Sunday dinner at Kyle's Dad's house and had such a good time. We miss our nieces and nephews all the time and so we love playing with them. Bradley (1 1/2) has learned our names and it is so fun to hear him greet us! Karen (Kyle's Step mom) always gets a lot of the basic things for every couples first child and she decided to get ours now just in case we have a rushed situation. She had it there at dinner and we are so excited about everything. She got us a diaper Jeanie, boppy, diapers, onsies, a newborn outfit for a boy and a girl, bottles, and a bunch of random must haves for when baby comes! When we took everything home we put it in the baby's closet and noticed that we are getting quite the collection. It made us realize that we should write a list of everything that we have and what we still need. We are also going to stock up on diapers and wipes so we don't have to later. We are SO EXCITED for the day to come that we get to use everything!

Spreading the word

So... being proactive has turned out to be so much fun!! Last week we took a bunch of cards everywhere and my favorite location was at an OBGYN clinic in town. They let us put some on a table that everyone can see. We also sent out an email to all of our contacts asking them to put a little blurb about us on facebook and their blogs. So many people were willing to do it! We are hoping it reached out to someone who needs our info. We are also sending our cards to a lot of people out of state who have said they would pass them around. I can feel the adoption vibes flowing haha! I love that we aren't willing to just wait around. We are FINDING our baby!

Here is the email we sent to everyone, just in case you didn't receive it.


Dear Family and Friends,

As many of you know we made the decision to adopt a baby last year. We are incredibly grateful for the love and support we have felt from everyone around us and we cannot express how truly excited we are about starting our family. 2012 was filled with paperwork, but we are ready and waiting for an opportunity now. Our agency has the Birth Mother’s pick their adoptive parents and due to the large amount of waiting families this process could take years. We have decided that we need to take a proactive role in our adoption process; we need to get our name and information out to as many people as we can so we can find our baby. We know that many of you have already helped us out so much, but we are asking for one more favor. If you feel comfortable could you help us pass a long our information by sharing/sending our information to your friends, family and co-workers? This could be done easily by posting on facebook, sending an email, posting on your blog or just talking to people about us. Here is our basic adoption information

Kyle and Andrea- Hoping to adopt
For more information about us visit:
(Our Adoption Profile)  www.itsaboutlove.org profile ID #27853256
(Our Blog) www.waitingforyouwithlovetogive.blogspot.com
Or contact us by email:  andrea.kyle.adopt@hotmail.com

We are truly grateful for everyone who has supported our decision and who have helped us along the way so far. We are surrounded by amazing people. We cannot thank you enough!!!

Sincerely,
Kyle and Andrea

New Year Resolution: Be Proactive!

So one of my resolutions for this year was to be more proactive about the adoption. First on the list is to pass out as many pass along cards as we can. Last night we went around to several places in town and only one Dr's office would take them, but it was sweet because they let you just put them out on a table that already has some info about adoption. Next time I go to SL I'm going to take some to the offices down there. When we were out and about a lady suggested putting them on bulletin boards at stores. So now every time I go in a store I am looking for somewhere to stash our cards haha!

Second we are going to compose an email that we will send to everyone we know and ask those people to spread the word for us.

Third we need to send out our pass along cards to family and friends out of state that we haven't been able to hand one to.

If you have any ideas on how we could get our name out there to more people don't be shy.... please leave a comment or email us.

What a year!!

2012 was a wild ride! We had a lot of awesome moments that I will never forget.

-February 8th we decided to adopt.

-March we had our adoption fundraiser that was a HUGE success! 

-April 6th we met with Sara our case worker and the paperwork began and celebrated our 4th year anniversary. 

-May 4th our summer began,we attended the adoption classes and met some awesome people and learned a lot!

-June I started training for my half marathon and we went on a fun and relaxing Birthday camping trip for Kyle.

-July we had our final adoption interview after finally finishing our paperwork and spent every moment possible outside

-August 11 attended the FSA regional conference with my mom.

-September ran my first ever race, enjoyed more outdoor time, Kyle had surgery #2 on his foot.

-September 16 got the official stamp of approval to adopt.

-October had fun Halloween parties, made pass a long cards.

-November the holidays began, my mom and I made our future baby's quilt for the nursery, celebrated the life of Kyle's Grandfather, Kyle started walking again.

-December had two different birth mom's interested in us and didn't hear back from either, spent a lot of time with our awesome families, spoiled each other for Christmas again, and got our very first presents for our future baby.

This year sure has been a roller coaster for us, but I love what I have learned over the year. I am so excited to see what the new year will bring! Let's all pray for an adoption to be part of it!!